Tonight is that night. I should have started this 3 years ago, but life gets busy and there is much to do when you have children. I need a place to document the endless crap that my ex does to our kids.
My son had a seizure a week ago. He was with his dad. When I reached the hospital my son was fine. Tired, scared, with a raging head ache from the spinal tap, but fine. He only had the one seizure and it didn't last long. My ex described the event to me and I saw the fear and lack of control. In the moment, he chose to pick my son up and put him in the car versus calling 911, even though we had discussed in prior years the wisdom of calling 911 so the parent can focus on rescue breathing. My ex left him alone to go get the car and move it up by the door. He then drove in the dark on winding mountain roads that are full of deer and few street lights to get our son to the local hospital.
When he recalled this to me the next day he said he was driving with one hand on our son and trying to make sure he was still breathing while driving as fast as he could. I held my tongue and didn't point out how careless that was. Luck had stayed on his side and he got our son to the ER. Had I told this story, he would have been all over me pointing out what bad choices I was making due to not being calm in an emergency.
He described when our son came out of the seizure and couldn't speak. He described the pleading look on our son's face as he tried to tell everyone that the thing they were putting in his arm hurt and he wanted them to stop. I wanted to reach over and touch my ex to comfort him, but I reminded myself I can't. There was a time a year ago that I did give and need comfort from him and he gave it knowing he was the bastard that called social services and told them that our daughter had been molested by someone while the children were in my care. It was like a cold hand slapped me and brought back those moments of hearing social services tell me that it would be best if I let my ex take the kids home for the night until we could have formal questioning. So, I didn't reach out to him. I didn't lean into him. I put my arms around myself and reached down to touch my boy.
The next few hours were a blur of waiting. They didn't have my son hooked up to any fluids or monitors so I was having a hard time understanding why we were still in the hospital. They wanted to do an EEG and an MRI. I am a talker. I like to connect with people. I had to keep reminding myself to shut up. Don't try to bridge the silence gap with your ex while your son sleeps between you. Just keep your head down, wait for the next nurse or doctor to come in.
My son would have bouts of energy followed by headaches. It was a long day waiting. I offered to get my ex food or coffee when I went down but it seems he needs for nothing. I did. I was tired and stressed and starving. After the EEG, I went home to get our son some clothes as he had wet himself during the seizure and had no clean clothes and wanted to get out of the gown that kept twisting up on him. I showered and chewed some food and headed back. Once we found out the MRI wouldn't be until much later in the evening, my ex went home.
The minute he left I crawled up in the bed with my son who is so tall for his age, but still a googy gangly little boy. All of the tension drained out of the room. My son no longer had too make both parents happy. He seems much better when he can focus on one parent at a time. I just needed to hold him for a bit and hear his story in his own words as best he remembered it. He fell asleep curled up next to me and I got to hear the snoring that makes me love him, but hate to sleep with him.
Later after my ex came back I forgot that I shouldn't try to talk to him or talk when he is around and mentioned to my son that I had bought nose cones to help keep my sinus's open so I didn't snore while camping. I have a hearty outdoor snore and hate when I keep those around me awake. My son giggled as I described how crazy I look with the nose cones on. My ex started his diatribe of how nose cones and snore strips won't help me as I what I need is something to do with my throat. It was a quick slap to wake me up to stop talking. I hate when my ex starts telling me I am wrong and how well he know me and my situation.
I asked my son what he wanted for dinner and he told me what restaraunt he wanted food from. He and his dad were supposed to go there and it was stuck in his head. My boyfriend called to see if we had eaten and I asked if he would go get us food. He said yes and I verified that my ex would eat it if I got it. My boyfriend showed up with food and a gift for my son to put together. It was very sweet and terribly awkward. But it made my son very happy. It also was a much needed comfort for me.
The MRI didn't happen until after 10 pm. My son was stressing going into the machine. Once he saw it was open at both ends and that they would give him a headset, he felt he could handle it. Upon lying down on the machine his back starting hurting and cramping. You could see the worry that the cramping meant another seizure was about to happen. We reassured him it was just from being in a bed all day. Then my ex and I were shuffled off to a 4 foot by 6 foot room to sit and wait. Again, my desire to connect and comfort and draw strength had to be stopped. Thirty minutes of mental reminders to be quiet and stay focused and that he can't be trusted.
After the MRI, we settled my son back in bed and I went home.
The next morning I got up and went back to the hospital to find out the results. My ex texted that the night had been uneventful. That was beautiful news.
When the doctor did finally come in to tell us that our son was fine and that his test results were good, I had to stop her and ask for clarification. What specifically were you looking for that you didn't find that is good? She said she didn't see any tumors or blockages or anything that would indicate a likelyhood of another seizure. She recommeded we follow up with our family doctor (not a nuerologist). She said our son was good to go to camp once his headaches stopped and described how common it is to have these headaches after a spinal tap. She didn't recommend the blood patch to stop the headaches as she thought they would be gone in a few days. I brought up Scout camp and she said he was good to go as long as he didn't do any high adventure or scuba. No further restrictions. No prescription medications, just alternating tylenol & motrin and have him lay flat if his head was hurting.
As it was my day to have the kids, I brought him home and he plopped into my bed. He grabbed my ipad and played mindcraft until he fell asleep. My daughter came home later that day and I filled her in on the days events. Later that night, I tucked him into his own bed and turned on a baby monitor to listen to him snore. He didn't last long in his own bed and asked if he could sleep with me. There is no real sleeping when you sleep with a snorer, but it brought us both comfort. The next morning I drove them up to meet their dad for his days.
We met with our family doctor that day and she confirmed that the headaches would stop in a few days and when they did he was as good as new. No restrictions. No need to see a neurologist unless he had another seizure. Both doctors good with scout camp with only the two restrictions. Unless he had another seizure this was assumed to be a fluke and random event.
Both nights when I talked to the kids, my son was still hurting bad and staying flat as much as possible. My daughter was greatly missing her brother as someone to play with.
The morning that I was to get the kids I get a text from my ex stating that my daughter told him that I planned to take the kids to my office and that he felt that was a bad decision and put my son's health at risk. He stated that my son had told him about the sofa in our office and that it wouldn't work and that my son wouldn't be able to block the light and noise of the office. I didn't argue that I had already thought all of that through and had planned to set up a big fluffy pallet for my son in the conference room where he could turn off the lights and watch tv when he wasn't sleeping, My daughter could sit in a totally different area and watch tv on the laptop. It was for 3 hours. Most of which my son would have slept. My ex starts threatening to call the doctor. I replied that I had the doctors written orders and had been there when she said he didn't have any restrictions other than the high adventure and scuba the first doctor had mentioned. My know nothing of my office or of me.
I received a call from our parenting coordinator to find out what was going on as my ex had described that I was putting our son's health at risk. Once again, I had to walk the PC through the facts as they are written, not as described by my ex. I read her the two doctors orders and let her know I was in no way putting his health at risk. She also told me that my ex said that my daughter said that I was taking them with me to get a tattoo and the PC told me that was not a good idea.
Side note, I hate how my ex can grill the kids endlessly about me and my life and twist things to fit his needs. Before my son's seizure, it had been my plan to take them to see the drawing as I hadn't seen it either. That is what I have done for my other tattoos. They come in, see the drawing then leave. Most tattoo parlors do not want children around. No way would I have my kids sit for the hour it would take to get the tattoo. Much less a sick child.
So I reassurred her that was not my plan, and that after I left work that the kids and I were going home. I got my tattoo and when I came home curled up in my bed with my son who was watching a movie. Moments later, my daughter curled up too and she and my son spent the evening creating a village of dinosaurs. My son was sitting up and animated and lively. Not the child who couldn't sit up or tolerate sunlight that my ex had described to the PC earlier. I am not stating that my son didn't have a headache while at my ex's, but it was a headache, not a health risk. In an atmosphere where he can feel better he does.
When my ex called, my son stood up, got out of my bed and walked out saying yes she got it done and that my boyfriend had watched them. My daughter also got out of bed when it was her time. I have learned over the past 3 years that he asks detail questions when he calls; who is there, what did you do, who did you do it with, for how long...They feel they have to leave so I don't know they are answering. It breaks my heart that they have fallen prey to his games. It makes me mad that they get rewarded with his attention when they fill him in on my life.
We had made plans the week prior to go shooting. I told everyone we would have to play it by ear. The next morning we got up and no headache so we got ready to go. We had a couple of errands planned so we had time to see how my son was really feeling. I tried to express to him that it was ok if he didn't feel up to the trip. He kept saying he felt fine, but I kept pushing to verify. The driving motion was not making him feel good, so we went back to the house.
Immediately he grabbed the ipad and started playing. His sister sat down next to him and we spent most of the afternoon, watching movies and them building the dinosaur village. We decided we would go out to eat and then go to Walmart to get the last of the items he needed for scout camp. I received an email during dinner that my ex wanted to make sure I knew he had veto power over my decision to force my son to go to camp. After having the PC fuss at me and remind me that we need to co-parent, this pissed me off. My ex and I will never co-parent. When I asked for info about a conference my ex signed my son up for I was told it was on his day so it was none of my business. Same applies. My days, my house, my rules. We can't co-parent as long as he feels he has veto power over my decisions.
For the record, I have never said my son had to go to camp the first day, and asked if he could come later in the week. Scouts said yes, he could come day one, day two or day three...I feel that my son is capable of deciding if he is well enough to go. I am gently pushing him to do more than lay around and watch tv. I need for him to keep getting up and walking and sitting up just like they have you do after surgery. Lethargy is overwhelming, especially after a week of laying flat.
My son who had laughed and smiled through dinner started stating how bad he felt when his dad called 5 minutes later. He stated he had a headache and heartburn and described how he hadn't planned to shoot the gun, just lay in the car. My heart just broke. Then he started saying that he didn't believe he would make it to camp at all due to the headaches. He isn't even going to try. In his head he is sick and is not going to get better. In the few minutes of his conversation with his dad, he laid down and got sick all over again.
I decided we didn't need to go to walmart as he wasn't going to camp the next day and we went home. As soon as we got home, he was ready to go again. I told him to go lay down since he was feeling so bad. He told me he wasn't feeling that bad. I explained that he had to keep trying to get better. We talked about being afraid of another seizure. We talked about how some people have seizures often and lead very normal lives with medication. They vacation, go to camp, go to work, have spouses, families...
We discussed that the car might be making him sick. But in my head I think the whole time you are playing on the ipad you are fine. Then you get the call and you start feeling sick. I let him know that I completely understand if he doesn't want to got to camp because he is just uncertain and scared about having another seizure and being away from home. I totally understand if he finds comfort sleeping next to me right now as it feels safe. Grown ups face the same fears and seek the same comfort. It is way easier to keep feeling sick than to face the unknown. I can't even imagine what fear of your body must be like, to be that helpless. To wake up and not be able to talk or remember what happened. Unimaginable and scary at any age.
So we will stay home tomorrow and see how he feels. I hope he gets to g o to camp. Camp was cancelled last summer due to fires. To miss your second year of camp puts him at a disadvantage as he works at badges and ranks. I am not certain he really wants Eagle Scout or has the desire to put forth the personal effort and dedication to make that happen, but I want him to knock out as many of the badges as he can and camp is the big place to do that. Not like cub scouts where we did all of the work at meetings. Boy Scout badges are primarily camp or your own personal time.
My ex is picking a fight with me due to his belief that I am going to force our son to go to camp. If I have my choice of keeping my son with me for the next few days or not seeing him for a week, I will always choose keeping him with me. After camp he goes on vacation with his dad. I will enjoy every moment I have with him before he goes on vacation for two weeks. My daughter and I were looking forward to some one on one girl time, but any day I will take having them both with me.
My fight with my ex is that he keeps announcing that he is in charge over me and my parenting. That he has final say and that he keeps implying that I am placing our children in harm. None of which is true. We have two separate households and an inability to discuss anything. It is always him telling me what to do, and me telling him that he no longer gets to tell me what to do.
He misrepresented to our PC what the kids therapist stated, what social services stated, what the sherifff stated and now what our doctors have stated. Each time, I send the PC hard copies of conversations, emails and documents and pray she reads them and realizes he is not telling things accurately.
